The Soul called a Parliament in his Animal Kingdom, which Parliament consisteth of three parts:
the Soul, the Body, and the Thoughts, which are will, imaginations, and passions. The Soul is the king, the nobility are the spirits, the commonalty are the humours and appetites. The head is the upper house of Parliament, where at the upper end of the said house sits the Soul king,1 in a kernel of the brain, like to a chair of state, by himself alone, and his nobility round about him. The two archbishops are2 Admiration and Adoration; the rest are Apprehension, Resentment, and Astonishment. The judges are the five senses, and the wool-sacks they sit on are sight, sound, scent, taste, touch. The Master of the Black Rod is Ignorance: Understanding, the Lord Keeper, is always Speaker. The clerk that writes down all is Memory.
The lower house of Parliament is the heart; the knights and burgesses are passions and affections. The Speaker is Love. The clerk that writes down all is Fear. The sergeant is Dislike. The several writs that are sent out by this Parliament are sent out by the nerves into every part of this Animal Kingdom, and the muscles execute the power and authority of those writs upon the members of the Commonwealth. The lower house presents their grievances, or their desires, to the upper house, the brain, by the arteries.
When they were all set in order, and a dead silence through all the house, the King made a Speech to the assembly after this manner following:
The King’s Speech
The reason why I called this Parliament is not only to rectify the riotous disorders made by vanity, and to repeal the laws of erroneous opinions made in the mind, and to cut off the entails of evil consciences, but to raise four subsidies of justice, prudence, fortitude, and temperance,
whereby I may be able to defend you from the allurements of the world, as riches, honor, and beauty, and to beat out encroaching falsehoods, which make inroads, and do carry away the innocency of Truth, and to quench the rebellion of superfluous words, but3 also to make and enact strict laws to a good life, in which I make no question, but everyone4 in my Parliament will be willing to consent, and be industrious thereunto. The rest I leave to my Keeper, Understanding, to inform you further of.
After the king had thus spoken, the Keeper made another Speech, as followeth:
The Lord Keeper’s Speech, who is Speaker5
My Noble Lords:
You may know by the calling of this Parliament, not only the wisdom of our gracious king—in desiring your aid and assistance in the beginning of danger, before the fire grows too violent for your help to quench it out—6but his love and tender regard of your safety. Besides, he hath showed the unwillingness he hath to oppress and burden his good subjects with heavy taxes, before palpable necessity requires them, for he hath not called you upon suppositions and fears, but upon visible truths. Neither was it imprudence in staying so long, for it is as imprudent to disturb a peaceable commonwealth with doubts of what may come, as to be so negligent to let a threatening ruin run without opposition. Thus is our gracious sovereign wise in choosing his time, valiant in not fearing his enemies, careful in calling the help and advice of his Parliament, and most bountiful, in that he requires not these subsidies to spend in his particular delights, but for the good and benefit of the commonwealth, and safety of his subjects. Wherefore, if any be obstinate in opposing, or seems to murmur thereat, he is not worthy to be a citizen thereof, and ought to be cast out as a corrupt member.7
After he had ended his speech, he sits down in his place, and then rose up the Lord of Objection, and thus spake:
The Lord of Objection’s Speech
My Lord:8
All that your Lordship spoke is true, and therein you have showed yourself a loyal subject and a faithful servant, and I make no question, but every member in the house will not only give their estates, but spend their lives for their king and country. Yet let me tell your Lordship,9 that I do believe the Parliament will never be able to raise a subsidy of justice from the commonalty: it is too strict a demand, as it is impossible for us to satisfy the king’s desire, unless the commons were richer in equity. But if our gracious sovereign will take a subsidy of faith in lieu of it, I dare say it may be easily got, raising it upon the clergy, who are rich therein.
After he had spoke, rose up the Bishop of Resentment, and said:
The Bishop of Resentment’s Speech10
My Lord:11
It may be easily perceived that this Lord’s desire is that the king should lay the heaviest subsidy upon the church. Not but that I dare say so much12 for the ecclesiastical body, as13 they would be as willing to assist the king in his wars, as any of his lay subjects, yet what the clergy have, belongs to the gods, and what they take from us, they take14 from them.
After him spoke the Bishop of Adoration:
The Bishop of Adoration’s Speech
My Lord:15
Our brother hath told you the truth, that faith is not to be given from the gods. But, my Lord, to show our willingness and readiness to the king’s service, we will give his majesty a subsidy of prayers, which are the effects of faith.
The king, and the rest of the Lords approved of it,16 and sent a writ of it17 through the arteries to the lower house, the Heart, for their18 approbation, which one of the judges delivered to Master Speaker. Then the Speaker, taking the report, said: “Gentlemen, This message is to let you know that the episcopal body hath offered the king a subsidy of prayer to help him in his wars, if you agree to it.”
With that rose up a gentleman, and said:
The Gentleman’s Speech
Master Speaker:
The clergy are able to give the king more than one subsidy, if they will, being so rich as19 they have engrossed all the consciences in the Kingdom, building great colleges of factions therewith, and these colleges do not only disturb the commonwealth, but impoverish it very much. For all that are bred therein employ all their time so in speculations, as20 there is no time left for honest and industrious practise; besides, their tithes are so great, which they have out of all,21 as22 their poor parishioners have almost naught23 left (after their proportions are taken out) to serve their own use and maintenance.
Upon this speech a gentleman, one Master Zeal, rose up, and thus spake:
[Master Zeal’s Speech]
Master Speaker:
Although the clergy are masters and rulers of consciences, or should be so, yet they are to employ them to no other use, but to the service of the gods. But I fear we of the laity strive to usurp that authority to our own worldly ends, or else we should never have those large consciences, as to24 lay the burden (from our own shoulders) on theirs, but should25 do as we should26 be done unto. Wherefore, let27 us take their charitable assistance with thanks.
Most of the house were of this gentleman’s opinion, and voted an acceptance, and sending up to the upper house, that subsidy was passed. After that was agreed, there was a rational lord, that thus spake.
[Rational Lord’s Speech]
My Lord:28
There were some opinions which were passed in former times, when the Parliament of Errors sat in the year of ignorance one thousand eight hundred and two, viz.:29 That none must be thought statesmen, but those which were formal. That all that are bold must be thought wise. That those which have new and strange phantasms must be thought the only men of knowledge. That none must be thought wits but buffoons. That none must be thought learned but sophisterian disputants. That all that are not debauched must be thought unsociable. That all that do not flatter must be thought uncivil. That all which tell severe truths must be thought rude and ill-natured. That all that are not fantastical must be thought clownish and ill-bred. That all must be thought cowards that are not quarrelsome. That none must be thought valiant but those that kill or be killed. That none must be thought bountiful but those that are prodigal. That none must be thought good masters but those that let their servants cozen them. That none must be esteemed but those that are rich. That none must be beloved but those that are powerful. That none must be respected but those that have outward honor. That none must be thought religious but those that are superstitious. That none must be thought constant but those that are stubborn. That none are patient but those that suffer affronts of scorn. That none are thrifty but those that are sluttish. That none are chaste but those that are not beautiful. That no man must be seen abroad with his own wife, lest he be thought jealous. That blushing must be thought a crime proceeding from guiltiness. That none must be thought merry but those that laugh. That none must be thought sad but those that cry. That all poor men must be thought fools. That all citizens must be thought cuckolds. That none must be thought good lawyers and doctors, but those which will take great fees. That all duty and submission belongs to power, not to virtue. That all must have ill luck after much mirth. That all those that marry on Tuesdays and Thursdays shall be happy. That a man’s fortune can be told by30 the palm of his hand. That the falling of salt portends misfortune. Those31 that begin journeys upon a Wednesday shall run through much danger. That all women that are poor, old, and ill-favored must be thought witches, and be burnt for the same. That the howling of a dog, or the croaking of ravens, foretell32 a friend’s death.
These ought to be repealed, and new ones enacted in their room, viz.:33 That all those that have got the power, though unjustly, ought to be obeyed without reluctancy. That all light is in the eye, not in the sun. That all colors are a perturbed light, and so are reflections rather than an34 inherent quality or a substance.35 That all sound, scent, sight is created in the brain. That no beast hath remembrance, numeration, or curiosity. That all passions are made in the head, not in the heart. That the soul is in36 a kernel in37 the brain. That all the old philosophers were fools and knew little. That the modern philosophers have committed no errors. That there are six primitive passions. That the blood goeth in a circulation. That all the fixed stars are suns. That all the planets are other worlds. That motion is the creator of all things, at least of all forms. That death is only a privation of motion, as darkness is a privation of light. That the soul is a thing, and nothing.38
This motion which this noble lord made, was enacted by the whole Parliament with much applause. When he was set down, my Lord Reason rose, and thus spake:
[Lord Reason’s Speech]
My Lord:39
I should think in my judgment, that it would be beneficial to the commonwealth that there should be a statute made against all false coin, as dissembling tears and hollow sighs, flattering words and feigning smiles.
But upon this speech rose up one of the lords, and thus spake:
[A Lord’s Speech]
My Lord:40
The propositions of this lord are very dangerous, for if this great council of Parliament should go about to call in all false coin which is minted, they must call in all which is in the Kingdom, to make a trial of the currentness, which would discontent most of the people,41 for why the stamp is so lively and artificially imprinted therein, as it is impossible for the right to be known from the false. Further, my Lord, these coins are so cunningly mixed with alchemy, that42 the difference would hardly be known if they were new melted.
With that rose up one of the judges, and said thus:
[A Judge’s Speech]
My Lord:43
It is an ancient law belonging to this Kingdom, to make it death for any to clip current coin with hypocrisy, or to mix falsehood with slander, and if this abuse should be winked at, there would be no commerce betwixt44 this Kingdom and Truth.
The Lord Reason rose up again, and said thus:
[Lord Reason’s Speech]
My Lord:45
There is another abuse in this Kingdom, which is there are46 many luxurious palates, as47 they do destroy the strength of the stomach and quench out the natural heat therein,48 making it so weak49 by reason of ill digestion, never giving so much time as to make a good concoction, to breed new blood, that it is likely50 (if speedy order be not taken to prevent it) may51 come a dearth of flesh over all the kingdom of the body.
Upon this, Judge Taste rose up, and thus spake:
[Judge Taste’s Speech]
My Lord:52
There was never any laws made in all the former king’s reign that there should be a perpetual abstinency, but only in time of Lent, when the penance of physic was taken. For if the stomach should eat sparingly, and not such things as the appetite doth desire, the body of the Kingdom would grow weak and faint, and all industry would cease, for the legs would never be able to go, nor the hands to work, nor the arms to lift; the complexion would grow pale, the skin rough, the liver dry, and all the parts of the Kingdom would grow unfit for use, that if a war of sickness should come, they would never be able to defend themselves.
The same Lord Reason rose up, and said thus:
[Lord Reason’s Speech]
My Lord:53
There is another great abuse, which is in articulate and vocal sounds, or tone of the voices. For most when they read do so whine, raising their notes upon the peg of the tongue so high, as54 they crack the strings of sense, or else the singers55 of words play so fast as56 they keep no stops, or else so slow that57 they make more stops then58 they should, which make it preposterous. Truly my Lord, if these things59 be not rectified, all the nobles of understanding will be ruinated, and affronted with a seeming nonsense.
This was disputed hard on before it could pass, but at last it did.60
After this dispute, a61 Lord rose up, and said thus:
[A Lord’s Speech]
My Lord:62
We spend here our time to rectify the errors that are committed in the Kingdom amongst ourselves, and do not consider63 the danger we live in from foreign enemies abroad, which64 are rhyming pirates, who make continual inroads, stealing all our cattle of fancies, and plundering65 us of our66 best and richest conceits, which67 if we do not provide arms of rhetoric to exclaim against them, they may chance to usurp the crown of wit, and make themselves heirs to that they were never born to. Wherefore, my Lord,68 let us join, to set up forts of satyrs, and there plant cannons of scorn, from thence to shoot bullets of scoffs, to strike them dead with shame.
To this all the House assented.
In the meantime, the lower house were busily employed with affairs too, about naturalizing a gentleman. For one of the members said, “Master Speaker, There is a Gentleman, one Mr. Friendship, desires to be naturalized by the Parliament.”
Another member rose, and said thus:
[A Member’s Speech]
Master Speaker:
In my sense it is very prejudicial to naturalize strangers, for why should strangers receive the same privileges with the natives, and to be made capable to inherit our lands,69 unless we could cut off the entails of affection, which are tied to their native country, the Kingdom of Parents, or the Islands of Children, or the Provinces of Brethren and Kindred?70 Otherwise, it is likely they will turn rebels, if a war chance to be with this kingdom and that where they were born.
With that the former Gentleman rose up, and said:
[The Gentleman’s Speech]
Master Speaker:
I would not prefer this gentleman’s suit, had he been born in the Land of Obligation, Civilities, or Courtesies. But he was born in the Land of Sympathy, whereunto this Kingdom hath a relation, by reason our king hath a right therein, and ought to have the power thereof by the laws of justice. For his mother, Queen Resemblance, was daughter to the Sympathian king, so that this gentleman, Master Friendship, in justice is a natural subject to our king, although not a citizen in the commonwealth.
Hereupon the house was divided—some gave their voices for him, others against him—but when they came to be numbered, he had most voices on his side, for he had been so industrious in petitioning every particular member beforehand, that he made himself many friends, some out of favor to himself, others for the goodwill to those that favored him. So that one way or other,71 it was sent up to the upper house, where my Lord Reason spoke so well in his behalf, that72 the act passed for him.
After this, there was a Member rose, and said:
[A Member’s Speech]
Master Speaker:
There are in the kingdom some grievances which ought to be reformed, making73 an act that all the highways and common roads should be mended and kept in repair. For in some mouths the teeth are so foul and rotten, and such deep holes, that74 great pieces of meat tumble down into the saw pits of the maw without chewing.
The next is that many nose bridges are ready to fall down, by reason the great French pox doth travel so often over them, that75 they crack the very foundation thereof.
The third is that the stomach is so often overflowed with drink by reason the throat sluices are so wide that76 the kingdom is not only much impaired thereby, making obstructions by reason there passes oft-times much mud of meat with liquid drink, but it77 endangers the kingdom of drowning, the more for that slug which makes the liquor rise higher. Besides, it breeds many thick vapors, which cause much rain and strong winds, and unwholesome airs, which breed dizzy diseases, and bring apoplexies and lethargies.78
The fourth grievance is that the Puritans and Roman priests cut down all the stately and thick woods of hair, that79 there is almost none left grown80 to build ships of ornament with. This in time will decay the navigation of becoming, and leave the islands of the ears bare to the ruin of cold. Besides, the prodigal effeminate sex burns it up with iron works, or breaks it off at the roots, in making traps for lovers.
This grievance was resented much in the house, and a committee ordained to make a strict inquiry, and to report back to the house, which was done with all speed.
The Chairman’s Report Back
Master Speaker:
The committee hath found that many of the highways and common roads are much impaired by negligence, for some are so bad, that81 nothing will mend them. Others the committee hath examined and hath82 found out some helps, for the deep holes might be filled up with white wax, and those that are broken and ragged may be filed smooth and even, and those that are black and scaled may be scraped with a steel instrument, and those that are dirty and foul may be rubbed with china, or brick, or the like. Those that are loose may be washed with alum water or myrrh water, which will fasten them again. As for the bridges, there are not many fallen down, but only sagged and loose, which, if the commonwealth will be at the charges, may be kept83 from falling with silver pins, which will prop them up. But truly, Mr. Speaker, there are great spoils of the woods of hair, and84 in youth time will repair them again, but in age they will never grow again, for the ground is always dry and barren, and85 will always be bare and bald. As for the great overflows, there is no way to hinder or stop that torrent, but by shutting the watergates, the lips.
After this relation, the lower house sent the reports to the upper house, after which they made an act of prevention, their statutes running thus:
[Statutes]
Be it known to all and everyone86 in this kingdom that henceforth from this present of January, one thousand eight hundred and two, that no87 sweetmeats shall travel through the mouth, nor no nuts be cracked, nor no pins lie in the highways of the mouth to cankerfret the teeth, as also be it enacted, that all hand88 laborers shall be employed with picktooths after meat hath89 passed those ways, and let every particular shire be at the charge thereof.
Be it also enacted, to keep the bridges strong lest they fall to ruin, that the flood flush be given to all the amorous sort, with baths and dry diets every spring and fall, for fear the foundation of the nose should be rotted by reason of much corruption which passes through. Also let there be cut a passage upon each shoulder, making gutters of issues, that the humour may be diverted
by running those ways, that the kingdom may be drained from superfluous moisture.
Also be it enacted, that for90 the conserving of the woods of hair, no91 hairs be pulled up by the roots, but only pruned by the husbandmen barbers; also we forewarn the use of curling-irons, crisping-irons, or the like, but let the loose woods of hair be bound up with strings.
Be it also enacted, that no great draughts be drunk unless great drought require it, also no healths to be drunk92 but upon festival days. But upon going out of this act, all the young women and men in the kingdom made such a mutiny, that93 the Parliament had much ado to pacify them, nor could not until they had altered that clause of sweetmeats and healths.
After this there was a member rose up, and said.
[A Member’s Speech]
Master Speaker:
There are94 in this kingdom some foolish and unnecessary customs which have been brought from foreign parts, which ought to be abolished. One is to dig holes in the ears to set pendants in, which puts the kingdom to a charge of pain and also is a heavy burden.95 The second is to pull up the hedges of the eyebrows by the roots, leaving none but a narrow and thin row, that the eyes can receive no shade therefrom. The third is to peel the first skin off the face with oil of vitriol, that a new skin may come in the place, which is apt to shrivel the skin underneath.
But for the abolishing of these customs few agreed to, fearing such another mutiny as the former amongst the female96 sex. Whilst97 they were demurring upon this, there came petitioners with a petition to offer to the house, which when that98 was heard, they sent for their petition in and made the clerk read it.
The Petition of the Veins
We, your Honors’ humble and poor petitioners, desire a redress from all ill livers, or else we cannot furnish your Honors with such blood as your Honors require from us. For by reason of dry, hot, corrupted, or obstructed livers, we, your Honors’ pipe veins, want filling, or else we are filled with such waterish, or99 such black and melancholy blood, that100 the kingdom is either parched for want of moisture, or overflowed with too much, being always in extremes, so that101 we are all undone, and our trading utterly decayed thereby. Wherefore we beseech your Honors to take it into your102 considerations, and give us a reparation from the liver, for which we shall be bound to pray for your Honors.
Upon this petition, the House ordained a writ, to warn the liver to appear before a committee to be examined, where straight the liver appeared, who excused himself, saying the appetite flung into the stomach a great quantity of rubbish, and the stomach, being an ill neighbor, to disburden himself from that filth, flung it upon him, stopping up all cross passages, insomuch that he had not room to discharge himself freely. But as for his own part, he was much poorer and weaker than they, and had more reason to complain.
Whereupon the House made an act that the stomach should be cleansed every spring and fall with purges.
Then rose up a member, and said:
[A Member’s Speech]
Mr.103 Speaker:
There are104 a people in this kingdom that ought105 to be banished, which are jugglers, mountebanks, and gypsies. First,106 juggling lovers, which deceive all the effeminate sex with false and deluding praises. The next are mountebank buffoons, who have gotten privileges of freedom to put off their bald jests at an easy rate, selling upon the stage of mirth, and taking107 laughter for pay from the poor ignorant vulgar. These fellows take upon themselves the name of doctors of wit, professing their skill, whereby they do much harm, by reason their drugs are naught and their skill little, by which many times they kill instead of curing. For they do apply their poisonous jests on unprepared bodies and give their medicines in unseasonable time. Besides, their medicines, being most commonly bitter, give108 a dislike to the taste, and being not taken in fit time, bring the disease of suspicions, and being wrong applied, cause death to a good fame. The last109 are gypsies, which delude many with110 sympathy powder, viper wine, love powder, cramp rings, cross knots, raking up the ashes on St. Agnes’ Eve, laying bridecake under their heads, and many the like.
Another Member said,
[A Member’s Speech]
Mr. Speaker:
There are light wenches of vanity and crafty bawds who ought111 to be whipped: black patches, sweet powders, periwigs, bracelets made of their lover’s hair, fancy-colored ribbons to resemble the several passions, looking-glasses to hang by their sides, love posies in rings, love letters wrought in handkerchiefs, valentines worn on sleeves; and to discourse by signs, as also112 romancies, balls, collations, questions and commands, riddles, purposes, etc.
There was another Member rose up, and said thus:
[A Member’s Speech]
Mr. Speaker,
There are worse creatures in the kingdom, and more dangerous—viz., witches—which113 ought to be burnt. They are114 Lovely Feature, Exact Proportion, Clear Complexion. When these spirits are raised in the circle of the face, who so115 comes near that face, although it be the soul itself, is bewitched with a look, and such power is in that magic, that nothing can undo it but sickness and old age.
Another116 witch is Elegant Eloquence. This witch hath much power, raising up Sense, Fancy, Phrase, Number, in the circle of the ear, and whosoever comes near them, although the Soul itself, that spirit the Tongue bewitches them, and this is so strong a magic that nothing can undo it117 but forgetfulness. ’Tis true, there is a law against them, which belongs to the judges care,118 Hearing, and Sight.119 But when they come before them to be examined and to be condemned, if they be found guilty, they are so far from punishing them that120 they set them at liberty, and those bonds that should bind them, they bind themselves with, and so become voluntary slaves to those witches.
Then did the King call both houses together into a great hall, and thus spake:
[The King’s Speech]
My good and loving subjects, I give you thanks for your care and industry in rectifying the errors of this kingdom, and for your love to me in giving me those subsidies I required, although I called for them as well for your safety, as my own. Such is my tender regard to my people, that121 their safety is my care, and their prosperity my happiness. For I desire to be king of affection, ruling them with clemency, rather than to be only king of power, ruling them with tyranny and122 binding my subjects to slavery. The power I desire is to beat my enemies abroad, not to fright my subjects at home, to defend them, not to ruin them. I covet not the riches of my subjects; I hold not the sword to cut their purse strings, but to decide truth from falsehood, to give equity, and to do justice. Yet let me tell you,123 my sword is as ready to punish offenders, as my clemency is to reward the virtuous. But I have found, and I124 make no question I shall find, my subjects125 always as ready to obey as I to command. And because everyone may return to his own private affairs, since in public business there is little left now to do but what I can order myself, I dissolve my Parliament for this time, until there be an occasion to call them together again.
Whereupon the Parliament126 all cried:
God save the King!
God save the King!